One night Agent Patrick asked me who I would put on my “dream team” of X-Men. First off, this is just one of the million examples of why I married him. Secondly, that question was far too overwhelming so we had to come up with specific dream team scenarios. For instance, if I could put together a team of any mutants, past or present, which 5 would work together most effectively? The easiest was a team of my favorites, which 5 mutants would I love to see interact and fight together. The hardest was my dream team of babes, top 5 most attractive mutants that could feasibly team-up.
The dream team that really had my head spinning was my perfect kill squad. They didn’t need to be the most cohesive band of mutants but they did need to kill in awesomely bad ass ways without requiring too much convincing. It would be too easy to put Wolverine or Magneto on this team, but I didn’t because all the angst from either of them would probably suffocate the reader. I needed 5 X-Men who could and would kill, even if it was in a moment of pure desperation. And after some serious thought this is what I came up with:
Bishop
While his powers of absorbing energy directed at him might not sound devastatingly deadly what makes him a top contender is his actions following Messiah Complex. For those of you who didn’t read that mind-blowing crossover, after House of M demolished the mutant population it took some time before there was another mutant birth and when it did happen everyone lost their shit. Literally everyone. Everyone wanted that baby: the X-Men wanted to protect it, the Marauders wanted to use it, the Purifiers wanted to kill it and apparently Bishop had the same idea.
In his mind, if the mutant population went extinct that would mean his timeline would never happen and considering how completely f*cked up his life was it’s not surprising he doesn’t mind risking the chance of never existing to prevent it. He became obsessed with this idea and it festered in him until the catchy motto “Gotta Kill That Baby” overrode everything else. After Cable escaped with the baby into the future Bishop followed them. He continued to follow them through time becoming more crazed and desperate. So desperate he started committing multiple mass genocides to weed out Cable and the baby. READ THAT SENTENCE AGAIN. Obviously his determination, persistence, and complete bat-shit crazy mentality make him a super serious killer, ergo perfect to lead this team.
Elixir
Josh Foley was a sweet kid before everyone he loved died or abandoned him. Really, that’s the making of a super villain but instead we have a baby-faced omega level mutant. He started out with just the ability to heal others but after the Cuckoos basically gave him a telepathic XEROX of Beast’s entire knowledge of anatomy, genetics, and biology he unlocked the potential of true Omega level-ness. Then when his girlfriend was murdered in front of him he found out he could cause pain and illness as well. THAT IS AWESOME.
During X-Force’s third incarnation the book took a very dark turn with Clayton Crain appropriately helming the art. To balance the macabre styling Kyle & Yost wrote compelling stories highlighting the emotional strain of being on a kill squad and hiding it from the rest of the X-Men. This series was amazing. And Elixir only got more impressive. He learned to master his powers so acutely that not only was he capable of killing but doing it with finesse. In Messiah War he gave Vanisher a brain tumor in the shape of the X-Men logo. Hot damn, I am aroused.
Magik
If you can picture Illyana Rasputin as an adorable blonde, little girl with Zooey Deschanel eyes without immediately then picturing her in a black, chainmail bikini with horns on her head and goatlegs then I applaud you because I sure as hell can’t. As if the Rasputin family wasn’t interesting enough they decided to trap the young girl in Limbo, a demon dimension, to have her soul corrupted. After years of battling Belasco she now had the ability to teleport, use sorcery and fight in hand-to-hand combat. Oh good, because a magical Soulsword and teleportation weren’t enough of an upperhand now she can roundhouse kick you into Mephisto’s buttcrack. Awesome. Totally a fair fight.
Even though she has been rescued numerous times she can’t stop returning to Limbo for one reason or another and after the events of Fear Itself she allows herself to be kept a prisoner in order to win back the trust of her teammates. Of course during Avengers VS X-Men she is one of the five mutants that were giving access to the Phoenix Force and that’s like handing a sociopath a duffle bag of garage-made tennis ball explosives. Whatever hope for a normal soul she had gained in the few months prior were drastically wiped clean and she went into demolition mode again. After losing the Phoenix Force, unlike the other four, she seems to have only gotten stronger and is now able to channel the energies of Limbo. How Cyclops keeps her in check is still a mystery to me. I imagine it’s like tickling a volcano.
Dust
Dust is probably the least notorious on this list but she might be my personal favorite because of the gruesome turn her powers can take. When she is rescued by the X-Men, young Sooraya had been attacked by slave traders and instinctively flayed them alive when her body became a shape-changing cloud of sand-dust. Holy shit balls, that is freaking BAD ASS.
So not only is Dust a young woman, but she’s also a devout Muslim who is proud of her heritage and unconditionally loyal. She is breaking down barriers left and right! What’s NOT to love about her? Oh what about that time she took out a whole squad of Purifiers who attacked the Xavier school? Or that time she entered Exodus’ body in her dust form then ripped his lungs to shreds from the inside? Do not f*ck with Sooraya because she will own your ass before you even finish your thought.
Deadpool
To finish off this team I went with an easy answer but please don’t lump me in with every teenage boy on the planet who worships Wade Wilson. I really like Deadpool but I don’t think he’s the greatest thing to hit comic books since Nightwing’s fingerstripes. He’s a fun character. He’s got the humor of Spider-Man without the threat of Joe Quesada shitting on your dreams. He’s has practically no moral compass but isn’t willing to execute a child, even if that child would grow up to be Apocalypse. But more importantly, he’s a mercenary. He’s great at killing and for the right price, he won’t ask why. If you’re looking to read an awesome multi-faceted rendition of Deadpool without the forced melodrama pick up Rick Remender’s run of Uncanny X-Force, I was really apprehensive at first but he captures the madness without losing any substance.
The team probably wouldn’t work too well together, but I’m not expecting them to live in house together and talk about their feelings. I want lots of fight scenes and big splash pages that make me smile like a loon. Who is your kill squad dream team?