How Do I Batman: A Practical Guide

Last week, I aided-and-abetted possibly a dozen counts of vigilantism, assault (both aggravated and otherwise), and the epic waste of a lot of good money and time. I’m here this week with more tips on how to become Batman. Check out the first part of this article to learn how to get the fighting skills and the gadgets necessary to don the cowl. When you’re all done reading that, I’m happy to show you the best way to learn the ninja skills, get the detective training, and pick up all of those beautiful bat-shaped vehicles that get Bruce Wayne’s alter ego (spoiler alert) all the chicks.

Detective Training

Degree in Criminal Justice/Natural Science – Cost ($13,000) TTB (2 years): As detailed at the Florida State University criminology website, there is no straight degree to become a crime scene analyst. However, a degree in criminal justice with an emphasis in natural science seems the best way to go if you want to track katana trajectories and crocodile blood spatter and examine clown paint for point of origin.

Tracking – Cost ($4,000) TTB (4 months): If you want to be able to keep tabs on Catwoman at night, through the sewers, in the midst of a thunderstorm, you’re going to need a little tracking know how. A list of the kind of courses you need to take are listed here, but by the end of them you should be able to track a mouse over granite with your eyes closed. The courses also included survival know-how, which is good for when you’ve been thrown in the wilderness by Ras Al Ghul with no equipment in order to determine if you are truly worthy of becoming his son-in-law. It’s a whole thing, but you’re going to want to know how to start a fire and find food.

Criminal Psychology Degree – Cost ($26,000) TTB (4 years): Tackling the collective insanity of your local Arkham Asylum is a horrifying notion, and there are nights when you’re going to have to take them all out in twelve hours. – without going Costa Rica in the brain pan, of course. Some deep knowledge of what makes the criminal mind tick may not go amiss. Here’s a list of colleges that specialize in such matters. Fair warning – they will have courses on multiple personalities (Two-Face) and psychotic schizophrenia (Joker), but you may have to wing it if you try to figure out whatever the hell is wrong with The Mad Hatter. That dude is wacked.

Vehicles

The Batmobile – Cost ($113,000 to $4 million) TTB (3-6 weeks): Being Batman without a Batmobile is as pointless as a marble dipped in white gravy. Taking sharp right turns at insanely negligent speeds through dark urban towers is half the fun of being the Dark Knight. What do chicks dig? The car. What do criminals fear? The car. What do hippies hate for its wildly wasteful expenditure of both high-octane gasoline and some kind of rocket fuel? The . . . well, you get the idea.

The Batmobile is a Selina-Kyle wagon, is what I’m saying. Even Kickass, the (mostly) realistic movie included a home-grown superhero with a signature ride. Plus, let’s be honest – reliable consumer aircraft are still mostly in the land of fiction, and the only way to safely get around without exploding in fire is still the friendly neighborhood American automobile. Just, you know, one that blocks bullets and has totally sweet ass fins and maybe a rocket engine or two.

Batmoblies are available in every flavor and type, all the way from the groovy Adam West/George Barris Batmobile, to the gothic Tim Burton/Anton Furst car,  to the totes-realistic Nolanmobile that looks like something a stealth bomber would poop. Personally I would be forced to choose this awesome Batmobile designed after the ultra-cool, dark deco “Batman: The Animated Series” car.

The Batcopter/Batcycle – Cost ($395,000) TTB (2 Months, with shipping and mandatory included flight training): Batman had a helicopter AND a motorcycle, but why not combine them? Did you just get a man/lady boner? If I know you like I think I do, I’m going to go with “yes.” Click here to see how this badboy works.

While not a direct analog of any particular bat-vehicle, it’s easy to see how a friggin badass helicopter motorcycle – or “hellacycle” (nooch) – might be pretty damn useful to a would-be Caped Crusader. It’s got a relatively thin frame, perfect for escaping cops down narrow urban alleyways, a bitchin’ looking cockpit to impress the ladies or young boys in your life, and can TURN. INTO. A HELICOPTER. It even has a transformation sequence. I’m surprised it doesn’t come with a projector to create a swooshing technicolor anime background behind it as it changes shape.

It’s a little more clunky than the usual Wayne Enterprises vehicle, but that shit be fictional yo. It takes about ten minutes to transform from motorcycle to helicopter, which does screw up some of the “fast escapes” Batman is known for. The helicycle can go from 0 to 60 (on land) in 8 seconds, which is respectable but not terrible impressive – that’s about the same pickup as a Volkswagen Golf. Womp womp. The top flight speed is 112, which is fast enough to escape cop cars, but probably not enough to get away from police helicopters or Superman. Still though. It’s a motorcycle that turns into a helicopter. Need I say more?

Ninjitsu

Dude, are you crazy? There’s no “ninjitsu” courses at the local YMCA. There’s nowhere to go to learn ancient secrets of stealth and death-dealing and smoke-powder recipes. They were assassins – it’s hardly something you’ll run into at a strip mall. Let’s say it’d take $2 million dollars and at least 2 years to uncover someone who actually knows what they’re talking about to teach you enough to become Batman.

Total Cost to Batman

Including Parts 1 and 2 of this article, the final price tag for 1 fully-trained, fully-stocked Batman is:

Cost: $5,869,950

Time:  15 years (give or take, depending on ability to multi-task)

Level of Insanity: Medium-to-High

That’s not even that much money. That’s the price of a nice house in Huntington Beach. I’m sure your bank will be understanding if you come to them and explain the basis for the “Batloan” you’ve just invented and would like to immediately take out at low interest. Good luck out there. Let me know how it goes.