We’re stuck between Christmas and New Year’s which means it’s impossible for our daft brains to retain anything seriously and while I almost never write anything serious this might take the cake as the silliest article I’ve done so far.  Instead of dreamcasting an actor to play one of my favorite comic book characters I’ve decided to hobble together an AU.  AU stands for “Alternate Universe” for all of you who don’t read copious amounts of fanfiction or see the world in Tumblr gifsets.  Let’s mash two of my favorite teams together shall we?

STERLING ARCHER as Iron Man

I mean, obviously, right?  Drunk, selfish, constantly horny, but impossible to not love.  Even though he’s not a soldier by any means he’s become the official mascot for the team.  He’s loud and hilariously antagonistic but always manages to save the day.  It’s a mystery how but it happens.  Considered the “best in the business” by reputation but his team knows that most of the time the trouble was his fault to begin with.  Even though it pains them they will follow him to hell and back because he’s got enough chutzpah to fuel an entire nation’s bad decisions.

RAY GILLETTE as Captain America

Blonde, reliable, and oozing charismatic leadership, Ray always seems to know what to do and when he gives a command you’re more than likely to follow without a second thought.  Even though he isn’t as flashy as his iron suited counterpart he’s the one you want to go to when you’re in a spot of trouble.  Desperately out of place among his peers it almost seems like he was born for this job.  Teased mercilessly by his teammates for one thing or another he has grown closest to Archer!Tony even though they often seem to be at odds.

LANA KANE as Black Widow

The only other team member besides Ray!Cap that seems capable of doing their job.  Deadly and beautiful, she has surpassed the expectations laid out for her and quickly became the most valuable asset.  She’s actually so good it’s hard to comprehend why she even puts up with the rest of the team.  In the first season she is seen consistently getting Archer!Tony out of trouble.  Generally she’s well-liked and deeply respected, or at least feared, by the people in her field and after years of fighting side by side she’s developed a tight friendship with Ray!Cap.

PAM POOVEY as The Hulk

Full of secrets, Pam!Hulk is a game-changer in fights.  At first she just seems like a mess, maybe even a liability but the second she snaps all hell breaks loose.  Tired of not being respected she finally decided to join the team in an official capacity and has proven herself on many occasions, from quickly learning linguistics to infiltrating a target’s hot tub, and more importantly her exceptional hand-to-hand combat.  But the biggest shock was the strangely intimate connection made with Archer!Tony.

CYRIL FIGGIS as Hawkeye

It almost makes no sense for him to be on the team except that he’s really good at one thing.  Somehow he’s both over-qualified and under-powered in comparison to his teammates.  He’s the most normal in this group and that makes him easily relatable and even likable.  His honest down-and-out attitude is seen as comic relief during times of high stress and danger.

DR. KRIEGER as Thor

Undeniably valuable but underneath that wisdom and strength is utterly devastating madness.  I think people forget just how bloodthirsty this Norse god is.  Same goes for the Doctor.  He often says completely disturbing things that should require the team to question fighting alongside him but instead it’s seen as normal and understandable.  Since he’s the only one able to do what he does he usually surprises the team with deadly gifts and for that all his sin are forgiven.

MALORY ARCHER as Nick Fury

Egotistical, secretive, manipulative and mostly untrustworthy.  Malory is the eye in the sky, she tells the team where to go and who they are tasked with taking down but is never completely forthcoming with all the details.  There is usually a worthwhile reason for her deception (or so she believes) and she is willing to put her team through endless danger until the mission is complete.  She rules them with an iron fist not favoring any of them, in fact she seems to be hardest on Archer!Tony, her first protégé.

CHERYL TUNT as Maria Hill

While at first glance this might seem like a huge blow to Maria Hill fans, give me a minute to explain.  While Cheryl has some pretty unflappable flaws she’s also one of the strongest characters.  She’s tough as nails (choking fetish), able to keep the most mind-blowing secrets (her family legacy), and not afraid of her own personal balance between sexual femininity and no-bullshit self-preservation.  She’s shown how determined she is to protect herself and she’s even willing to stand up to Malory.

BARRY DYLAN as Loki

He was once on the side of good but his loyalties changed after he felt personally betrayed by someone he thought he could trust.  Barry is way too overpowered and if he focused his energy elsewhere he would probably get a lot more accomplished but unfortunately he can’t stop pestering this team.  He’s done some pretty awful things but fans absolutely love him which guarantees that he will never be killed off.  He’ll just show up occasionally and fuck things up for our heroes.

 

If you’re completely clueless as to what I’m talking about then you need to get on it because Archer is goddamn hilarious.  The first few seasons are on Netflix and the new season starts January 17 on FX.  Here’s the trailer:

http://youtu.be/_7HkG6OSo3E