Name: Julian Keller a.k.a. Hellion
History: In 2003 X-editors realized they needed some new faces. They wanted to get back to what X-Men was all about, a school training young mutants how to use their powers to protect themselves and those who hated and feared them. One of their first recruits was a fiery telekinetic teenager from Los Angeles. While Julian was proud to have developed his mutation his parents we embarrassed and urged him to keep them a secret. He did not like that at all and because of his 16 year old, stubborn attitude he got shipped off to the Xavier Institute.
What Makes Him a Babe: While most guys are cocky because they know just how attractive or charming or wealthy they are, Julian skips over all of that and credits his enormous ego on his constantly improving telekinesis. Confidence is sexy, that’s a fact, and if losing his hands in battle hasn’t slowed Hellion down then nothing will. He’s not just a brute; he’s smart and a great leader however his biggest fault is how easily he is manipulated by his emotions. Most women would call that “passion”, despite his pretty face I just call that opinionated and obstinate. I will say that when it comes to saving lives though, he will put himself in danger first. Dripping with charisma and rocking the body of a French underwear model, Hellion is downright objectifiable.
Evolution in Sexiness: Age is a funny thing in comic books. Even though we were introduced to young Jubilation Lee in 1989 she’s apparently still only 18/19 years old? Going by that math Hellion has aged about two years since his first appearance in 2003. Awesome, that makes him legal. Now I feel less like a creep and more like a cougar. He started out by wearing the uniform for Emma Frost’s squad; it was red, white, and tacky. Bleh, pass. Then for some reason after everyone moved to San Francisco his hair started to grow out and instead of looking like a snarky, scrawny Z-Boy he resembled that guy at the gym that aggressively hits on all the women (or alternatively that kid that is rumored to blow up cats in the field behind his house, depending on which artist was penciling the book.) Again, pass. Age of X was a little better, wide shoulders and absolutely no need for a shirt? Yes, please! However, the dealbreaker was his hair: two inches away from a Davey Havok devilock and I am not into that at all. Nowadays, he’s wearing a similar costume to his old Academy X outfit only red and black. It suits him nicely, and so does that haircut.
Favorite Rendition: After sort of taking a backseat to all the new new mutant students at the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning, Julian has been showing up again in Brian Wood’s X-Men. While he hasn’t had a lot of panel-time yet I’m hoping for more because, well, because Brian Wood is a damn good writer. Current Hellion seems to be less angsty but just as self-assured and fearless. Plus, the new costume is hugging him in all the right places.
Relationship Status: While still officially single, Julian has had two close-calls in the Girlfriend Thunderdome and both were not exactly your typical high school sweetheart tales. The first is with opposing team captain Sofia Mantega (Wind Dancer) until she abruptly loses her powers after M-Day. The two were very flirtatious and jealous though never willing to DTR (define the relationship, you geezers) which is sort of very generic Taylor Swift material. Then she was so humiliated and upset about her depowerment and she left without saying a word to Julian.
Next is the very shippable will-they/won’t-they between him and Laura Kinney (X-23). This was awesome to watch because even though Laura is quite beautiful, she’s practically feral. Everyone was either scared of her or didn’t trust her. After her involvement with the kill squad X-Force was made public most of the other student openly shunned her. But by then Hellion had too many sweet moments with her and not only had they developed an adorable friendship but also a dreamy possibility for more. They are constantly worried about each other and sacrificing themselves to save the other; in X-23’s solo series Julian tries to stop a crazed Laura from attacking Wolverine but a demon stabs him instead and she makes a deal with the demon to save his life. That’s fucking romantic. Put down your Shakespeare and pick up Marjorie Lui, people!
F*ck, Marry, Kill: I’m tempted to say Marry. I won’t, but I’m definitely tempted to. No one wants to marry an 18 year old! They are capricious and irresponsible and not in the fun way I am, but in the “what do you mean I have to pay for my own phone bill” kind of way. Most of his appeal is his youthful charm and Hollister-catalogue body. Those should not be factors in choosing a husband. That’s what you rebound with after your divorce. Looks like another F*CK. Though I do image he would be the type of guy to subtly hit on his teachers and flirt with every older woman within a three-mile radius. And if I knew how to flirt you can bet my 401k that I would turn the tables on Julian and make him blush like an albino in the dessert.
Denise Compatibility: This is a tough one. Let’s pretend that he isn’t possibly underage (or fictional, obviously) his abrasive temperament is one that would spark a lot of passion but I’ve dated guys like that before and while the make-up sex is awesome everything else was terrible. He’s already proven to be incredibly jealous and as a woman with 5 to 1 guy friend to girl friend ratio that probably isn’t the best choice. He doesn’t seem like he would be a bad boyfriend, in fact with the way he turned into a total puppy dog around X-23, he’d most likely be awesome. If I was still in high school I would most likely have a wild crush on him at first but then we’d bond and become close friends and he’d always tease me about it. Now that sounds like a fantastic Taylor Swift song.
And here’s a bonus treat for all of you who read until the end: an actual conversation between myself and Agent Patrick!!
