(All Images belong to Marvel Comics)

Fellow partyin’ Asgardians! You’re joining me as I devour the newest issue of Thor! And though it seems in this entry I would have nothing to talk about, what with Thor wielding Mjolnir again out in the far flung future, but I say thee Nathan! Or just Nay! I have some weapon talk to parse out thanks to some of my favorite side characters that Jason Aaron has introduced in his run on Thor:

The Goddesses of Thunder!

Amazingly enough, it only now occurs to me that they might be Aaron’s new iteration of the Warriors Three. The Warriors Three being Fandral the Dashing, Hogun the Grim, and Volstagg the Valiant.

The Goddesses of Thunder are actually the granddaughters of King Thor, the future version of Thor. They are Frigg the Fierce, Ellisiv the Astute, and Atli the Slightly Mad. Those are not their official titles, just something I made up. I could just as easily called them Frigg the Gryffindor, Ellisiv the Ravenclaw, and Atli the Slytherin.

For that matter, the Warriors Three’s houses would be Fandral the Gryffindor, Hogun the Slytherin, and Volstagg the Hufflepuff. Because of course Volstagg is a Hufflepuff! It could be argued that Thor is also a Hufflepuff. Though I might be projecting that since I am a Hufflepuff. And GryffinTHOR is just the kind of pun I like to make. I guess I need to ask J.K. Rawling to make sure…

Back to the weapons!

Name of Hammer: “Stormbreaker”

Wielded by: Frigg the Fierce/Gryffindor

Cause of Destruction: Not only has Beta Ray Bill’s prized weapon kept on keeping on, but it has done it for millenia!

Story: “In the crumbling halls of Asgard, before the disease that was Gorr was hammered from all the realms, nothing seemed to be held in reverence. The sunlight never glimmered. The archways seemed stunted. Everywhere there was a layer of dust and defeat. Except with the golden hammer of Beta Ray Bill. It still held awe in it’s worn glory. Cleaned and shined by the very King of Asgard himself, Thor. Where Frigg’s grandfather seemed weighed down by the heft of Mjolnir and of the memories it brought to his troubled brow, Stormbreaker was different. Stormbreaker was pure. ‘Frigg,’ stated King Thor, always as if coming out of a dream, while his one flesh hand gently buffed the gold hammer into a gleam. He still had the barest of smiles clinging to the corner of his ancient eye. ‘Have I ever told thee the story of mine alien brother? Of he who didst defeat me and take Mjolnir, and then give Mjolnir right back to me? Of Bill, the lonely Korbinite protector of his entire species, who was far more worthy of being a god than any god I have ever encountered?’ ‘Aye, grandfather,” replied Frigg, secretly honored to be sharing so small and beautiful a moment with her beloved King and grandfather, ‘But I always love those stories. Please tell me again about how great grandfather Odin made Stormbreaker?’ King Thor puffed out a pleased grunt, ‘Well, Odin was being a right bastard as usual, but even that stubborn fool could see the nobility of Beta Ray Bill…’ as King Thor recounted the tale for easily the hundredth iteration, he gently placed Stormbreaker in Frigg’s hands. She could feel the lightning building up, as well as the responsibility that would come with being worthy of this hammer. But Frigg mostly felt the lightning.”

Name of Hammer MACE: “Stilleulv” (Quiet Wolf)*

Wielded by: Ellisiv the Astute/Ravenclaw

Cause of Destruction: Still bashing heads thousands of years later.

Story: “Of all the warriors that had ever graced Asgard, Ellisiv always gravitated to the tales of Hogun, of the Warriors Three. It was for a very simple reason. One that she felt only she could grasp. It was because he was Hogun the Grim. The Taciturn. The QUIET. What wonders this warrior achieved! An actual QUIET Asgardian? Not constantly shouting battle cries, or making loud declarations of every war he ever won, or foe he left strewn in his wake? That Hogun would just go fight an enemy, say nearly nothing, and then drink with his friends? Every Asgardian she had ever met, from her grandfather Thor to her very own sisters, seemed to eat, sleep, and breath thunderous proclamations of their might. When Ellisiv was younger, she had difficulty understanding why they needed to talk to damn much. But now that she was a few hundred years older, she understood. They were gods in the End Days. Of Asgard. Of Midgard. Of the universe. They needed to shout. To beat their chests, and split the skies with thunder. If not just to feel alive, but because it was fun. But still, she craved… the still. The quiet before and after the storm. She wondered if Hogun would have had advice for her. Perhaps it would not have been words. She imagined him just giving a knowing nod of his head, and then staring off into the same troubled sky.”

Name of Hammer AXE: “Jarnbjorn” (Iron Bear)

Wielded by: Atli the Slightly Mad/Slytherin

Cause of Destruction: Nothing can seem to break or destroy this axe.

Story: “‘YES!!’ shouted Atli, making the most noise heard in Asgard in a decade. Though, she usually was the source of most noises in Asgard. Fighting noises. Eating noises. Drinking noises. Fighting noises, again. She liked that sound the most. Atli pulled the axe, Jarnbjorn, out from behind the cabinet. It had been wedged behind it, almost as though someone had wanted to forgot it was there. Atli understood that feeling the most. She loved her sisters, and they loved her, but sometimes the differences between them was a chasm. And a part of her always wanted to just jump down the chasm, instead of cross it. It was a curse, this Asgardian warrior blood. It ran pure through her. Hot. Hungry. Thriving in battle. Singing in her head and her heart. What abysmal luck to be born during the equivalent of a wake for a funeral. A wake for all of existence. All the trolls have been beheaded. All the giants beaten and buried. Every god-killing threat ground down by time and entropy. Who can you smite, when there is simply no one left to smite? Atli ran her hand reverently over Jarnbjorn’s handle. And then the blade. She cut her finger. The edge was still as razor sharp as the day her grandfather Thor anointed it with his own blood. As each moment it cleaved his foes. He had held it in his hand when he was younger and unworthy, and then again when he was wiser and unworthy. And again, when Loki- but enough of that! It was time to give it new stories! And new enemies to cut low. Atli raised the axe above her head, chuckling at how much bigger it was than her. But that was fine. She didn’t need to be tall to chop a dragon into pieces. Or an alien warlord. Or a really, really big robot. Or…”

Well, we have reached the end of this week’s blog, and I must confess that I could not stop writing it once I started. The Goddesses of Thunder are just too much fun to hang out with. Also, here’s a bonus, Atli has a chance to fight some dragons after all! See you next week as I shake things up and write about the comic book Asgardians of the Galaxy. The universe is getting bigger, and full of more weapons I can geek out over!

*NOTE: I made up the name for Hogun/Ellisiv’s mace. I tried to piece together the Norwegian words for “Quiet Wolf.” Hope it sounds good to you all!